Survival and dominance are the two words that occurred to me a couple of weeks ago when I began to ponder the fact that my nephew will be the only ancestor to carry on our family name. The rest of us male siblings have only daughters. Don’t get me wrong, daughters are awesome, but it would be somewhat pleasing to know that our family name would survive. Even more pleasing would be to have the family banner carried on by efficient, independent survivalists. Or, to put it another way, gun-toting, meat-eating, woman loving, ball scratchers.

I believe that my nephew will find that the family “man” gene pool has quite a lot to offer and will serve him well. Its hallmark of course—the incomprehensible perseverance. But he may have figured that one out already. The magic will really begin to take hold when his “primitive tendencies” genes begin to surface, sort of like bubbling paint on a wooden surface just before the flames break through.

Loud intolerable barbaric laughter, crudeness, innate awareness that you never go anywhere without a knife, a gun and a reasonable supply of butt wipe are but a sampling of our cherished assets. It all comes natural, just instinct! For example, that stupid ass “Naked and Afraid” would be a three-week vacation for us. We already know to throw stuff at those monkeys so that they will throw fruit back at us! Duh!

I must confess that my greatest fear is that he will become enamored with a skinny, frail, allergy ridden, confused little vegan girl, instead of a hot-blooded, chicken frying, big game hunting, well endowed, heterosexual female. If this were to happen it would be necessary for me to go into the defcon 1 mode and institute the interview and recover plan.

The primary target of the plan, necessary to investigate and evaluate dominant dog lineage, would be the squirrely little vegan’s father. The lifestyle and behavior of her father, the paternal role model, would give insight into whether or not we were dealing with a tree hugging, bunny humping, scared little girly man. His influence on ancestral outcome would be incalculable.

With the target secured and transported to a local eatery, the following twenty questions would be asked:

1. How many guns do you own?
2. Do you find it absolutely essential to always wear underwear?
3. Do you have butt wipe, a gun and a knife in your car right now?
4. What brand of knives do you prefer to kill with?
5. Do you end sentences with prepositions?
6. Does your mother know how to fry a chicken?
8. Do you enjoy pissing for distance?
9. Are you capable of putting an article in manuscript form?
10. At what age did you master arm farts?
11. Are you worried that chickens have feeling and emotions that are overlooked during their short, very short, lives?
12. Do you understand the expression,”buck fever?”
13. Did you notice that question number 7 is not there?
14. Do you understand that if you throw stuff at monkeys, they will throw fruit back at you?
15. Are you aware that tabasco sauce is the only item needed for survival? Even tree bark will taste good!
16. Do you wear designer jeans?
17. Do you enjoy Quiche?
18. Have you ever been spotted at Starbucks enjoying a latte’?
19. Have you ever watched even a single episode of “Keeping Up With The Kardashians”?
20. Do you enjoy and savor the smell of your own farts?

This line of questioning would be helpful in determining alpha male lineage. He wouldn’t need my help in determining the most favorable answers.

Then, as a follow-up, I would leave him with this bit of advice from Baron Manfred Von Richthofen:
“Fight on and fly on, to the last drop of blood, the last drop of fuel, to the last beat of the heart.”

And then one from my dad:
“All I have is two hands and a stinking butthole and by God that’s all I need!”

These two poignant and timeless and manly quotes should be all he needs to get him through such a critical moment in his life. The genes should take care of the rest.