Sid Richardson was a wealthy Texas oil man, perhaps one of the most wealthy and influential men in American history. At one point in Sid’s life he disappeared from the pages of history for about ten years. I’m fascinated by that fact.

I am definitely no Sid Richardson, but I recently disappeared from the landscape. No, I’m not in prison. Well, not since that thing back in 2012. It was a close one. But I was never indicted! (No laughing Kristi Chapman)

I had a total shoulder replacement 5 weeks ago. In the process I found out that I am allergic to Dwarf Australian Barking Deer. It’s a long story that involves Pud Rutledge some Honduran male tabby cat smugglers. I don’t have the time or energy to go into the story, but trust me, it was ugly. Do you know Pud? He is also the prime suspect in the theft of that tortilla making machine at Posado’s. If the Mexicans find out about this, there is going to be a lynch mob after Pud! I volunteer to put the noose around his neck!

I’ve been reading a lot. Just started book number eight. At the end of number seven I realized that I had gained eight pounds.

I found out about the extra pounds today. I was back in my doctors office for the fourth time, attempting to get my axe murderer prevention medication adjusted. Weight gain, according to my doctor, comes from laying around on your ass reading books. Who knew that?

Now—murdering people with an axe burns a lot of calories. I figure about four hundred calories each. Any other guesses? I could burn some serious calories if I would just quit taking my medications.

But then I recalled the story told to me by a good friend who is a cancer survivor. In the story he explained that he had experienced severe weight loss during treatment. Following treatment and recovery he gained all of his weight back. “Being skinny is overrated,” he said.

So there! It’s anecdotal and only one case—- but convincing! I stopped off at Sam’s Club and bought a giant bag of chips, some of those stuffed peanut butter pretzels and a dozen Greek Gyros. I feel so much better now. Is there a Lane Bryant for men?

Other than all of that ridiculousness I shucked off my shoulder immobilizer last week. Sleeping with that thing strapped around you neck is miserable and it was beginning to smell like tepid hot dog water. The shoulder is improving right on schedule.

Today I had the idea that I might get started writing some vague, apocryphal account of my life, making up a bunch of stuff to make me look better and more thoughtful and intelligent than I really am, as opposed to the circus of vulgarity and bad judgements it has been. Nobody will read it but it would be fun to do.

We are headed to the beach soon to watch the fat people on the beach, you know, the ones that show up from Illinois in October. I’ll write about that. Did you know that they steal the Splenda off the tables in our restaurants down there? I’ll fit right in! I’m taking a few more books. I figure about an extra pound for each book.

What have I learned this week? Milk your nightmares. There might be something useful in there. Swallow those damned those pills. They’re good for you! And hand over that axe!